Father's Day, Knock Knock and SharkMan

October Horror Movie Challenge Day 19

Father's Day (2011)

Why I Watched:

Chapels of Horror Theme Night

What I Learned:

• Oh, this is Troma. That changes my expectations significantly.
• We've got a killer who continually bites off men's junk. Graphically on screen. I think we finally found my gross limit.
• Priest talking about god's fat ass while on the pulpit. I feel this movie is not for everyone. 
• I've seen a lot of nasty from Troma, but this penis obsession/mutilation and M/M rape every other scene is over the top.
• Troma takes risks, I appreciate that. They usually fail, I expect that. They revel in shock value, cool. This, not cool.

Rating:

Knock Knock (2015)

What I Learned:

• I expected to feel Keanu got what he deserved, but I ended up just hating the entirety of the entitled #yolo youth culture

Rating:

SharkMan (2005)

What I Learned:

• Jeffrey Combs is always entertaining, no matter the movie

Rating:

The House by the Cemetery and Fear Clinic

October Horror Movie Challenge Day 18

The House by the Cemetery (1981)

Why I Watched:

Vestron Video Theme Night

What I Learned:

• Close up on a ring. I'm going to assume it's an important ring.
• Weird banging on door makes her cower hysterical in a corner, yet now she's all smiles trying to open it.
• The amount of blood in one mid-sized bat is astounding.
• Horror movies involving kids that aren't evil annoy me. All this whining and crying and being useless.

Rating:

Fear Clinic (2014)

What I Learned:

• I really love Robert Englund in non-Freddy roles. He always owns the screen with cocky swagger.
• Naked Robert Englund ass. So my bucket list is complete

Rating:

Don't Open Till Christmas, Ghost of Goodnight Lane, Evidence and Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

October Horror Movie Challenge Day 15

Don't Open Till Christmas (1984)

Why I Watched:

Police Station Theme Night

What I Learned:

• You can't just go around killing people dressed as Santa. Think of the children.
• Huh. The killer isn't dressed as Santa. I had assumed this would be a whole "there can only be one" thing.
• Love horror movies. Love Christmas movies. This, I don't love this. Bored.

Rating:

Ghost of Goodnight Lane (2014)

What I Learned:

• Great cast. Billy Zane. Lacey Chabert. Danielle Harris. Matt Dallas.
• You know the fight is on when a girl takes her extensions out.

Rating:

Evidence (2012)

What I Learned:

• Getting real sick of these generic found footage movies. I get they're cheap to make, but they are all EXACTLY the same
• Found Footage: Shaky camera, random zooming, running, off camera/blurry danger, turning on each other, the end.
• Also, lots of heavy breathing. Because running and carrying the camera so face next to microphone. Annoying.
• Oh good, the cameraman is puking. I get to see shaky leaves on the ground while he makes loud gagging noises for 2 minutes.

Rating:

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

Why I Watched:

Rewatch

What I Learned:

• It's the one I needed to rewatch the most. I only remember vague bits and pieces.
• No recap, interesting.
• Well, this is entirely different.

Rating:

Inside, The Gravedancers, Are You Scared? and Curtains

October Horror Movie Challenge Day 11

Inside (2007)

Why I Watched:

European Passport to Terror Theme night

What I Learned:

• Wow, lady, you're a nurse. Don't tell the first time mom about the pain and your stillborn child while smoking next to her 
• 9 months pregnant. Creepy lady tries to break in. Cops do nothing. And you stay instead of going to your moms. Smart
• These cops are so inept. Honestly, the killer answers the door and they're just like "ok, cool, you're okay."
• Weren't they told the victim was pregnant? I mean the others saw her and she said it a bunch of times.
• Ahh, there we go. Late, but better than nothing.
• Shots fired. No one calls it in. Last cop alive just runs in. 
• Dude, seriously. Don't look for the circuit breaker. Take the bloody pregnant woman and leave.
• Wounds all over and he just wraps her hand. Then leaves to go to the car to call for backup. Just leaves her there, in danger.
• I can't even enjoy the movie because the stupidity is beyond astounding.

Rating:

The Gravedancers (2006)

What I Learned:

• Yup. Literal dancing on graves. Should have assumed this was coming.
• To install a house alarm, all you have to do is hang a keypad by the door, apparently.
• I like Claire Kramer and Domenic Purcell, but this movie is horribly boring. 
• Just went from boring to embarrassingly bad in just one fire scene.
• Huge ghost skull chasing them. It's like a ride at Universal Studios.

Rating:

Are You Scared? (2006)

What I Learned:

• Seems like a pretty blatant Saw ripoff, with a reality TV angle.
• I'm not sure standard male strength can garrote a head clean off.

Rating:

Curtains (1983)

What I Learned:

• Movie starts with curtains opening. Fitting. 
• It's an audition. For a play. No really. I just need you to fondle this girl here.

Rating:

Area 407, Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives, Evil Toons, Don't Blink and Slither

October Horror Movie Challenge Day 9

Area 407 (2012)

Why I Watched:

Eyes of Death Theme Night

What I Learned:

• Shaky found footage movies make me sort of nauseous
• A new Year's countdown on a plane creeps me out for some reason.Like a countdown to the inevitable crash.
• And puking. Awesome.
• Plane crashes horribly and people actually need to be told, repeatedly, to get off the plane. 
• Everyone is really concerned with food. They crashed like an hour ago. No one is starving.
• Lots of running and screaming as the camera points down. It's like a super bloody episode of COPS.
• Halfway through the movie and we still don't know what's happening or why. Just running. And bleeding. And in-fighting.
• If they're hiding from a monster, why do they keep screaming at each other? Stealthy. Why haven't they been eaten yet?
• Is it a dinosaur? A big lizard? Caused by nuclear experiments? Any type of answer would be nice.
• Yes. Saw that ending coming. And no answers on top of it. Awesome.

Rating:

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)

Why I Watched:

Rewatch

What I Learned:

• First sequel of the series that didn't start with a scene from an earlier movie
• Since when do they bury serial killers in their masks?
• Wish Corey Feldman came back as Tommy Jarvis. He would have nailed that line between insanity and absolute clarity
• Of course, Corey Feldman was too young at the time, but a girl can dream. 
• There are a lot of "on the toilet" scenes in this franchise.
• There is a lot more cleaver and a lot less machete in this.
• Chainsaws are not reliable weapons, despite what some movies may want you to believe

Rating:

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)

Why I Watched:

Rewatch

What I Learned:

• I'm thinking, maybe we should stop opening Jason's grave.
• Maggot head. The ultimate insult.
• These girls and these boats. It's like they all refuse to learn.

Rating:

Evil Toons (1992)

What I Learned:

• These girls are supposed to be a cleaning service and they are grossed out by everything. 
• They worked for maybe 6 minutes and now they want to stop until tomorrow. 
• They suck at this job in every possible way.
• This seems to be a slutty, poorly acted take on Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Rating:

Don't Blink (2014)

What I Learned:

• What were they going to do with a gun? People are disappearing into thin air. No bad guy.
• What is wrong with you people? You're partners are missing so you have sex? That'll save them.
• "I've read enough Stephen King to know..." Always good advice to follow.

Rating:

Slither (2006)

Why I Watched:
Rewatch

What I Learned:

• Everyone should see this movie. Nathan Fillion. Michael Rooker. Elizabeth Banks. They're all so perfect.
• "You're initials are BM. Like a piece of shit." This from a grown man. To the woman he's trying to have an affair with. 
• X-Ray scene totally works here.
• Mind-melding flashback sequence surprisingly effective.

Rating:

Horror of Dracula, Don't Torture a Duckling, Friday the 13th, Friday the 13th Part 2 and Cannibal Holocaust

October Horror Movie Challenge Day 4

Horror of Dracula (1958)

Why I Watched:

Daily theme: Christopher Lee

Michael Carreras
Released in the 1950s

What I Learned:

• Apparently, you aren't allowed to just go eat any guest you want in Dracula's house
• You could kill Dracula, but instead chose to kill the bitch who bit you, thus alerting Dracula to the danger.
• Surprise, he knows you're coming. And, duh.
• Oh, garlic. I thought he said Dalek. I was super confused by the potential Dracula/Doctor Who crossover in the 50s.
• Dead Aunt Lucy's in the woods in her nightgown and you join her because she wants to play? Stupid little girl.
• Burn her with a cross, then just let her slowly prance away? Way to save the day.
• Lucy's the worst vampire every. Under attack, she lies in an open coffin and takes a nap.
• It's nearly dawn, so instead of killing vulnerable Lucy, let's leave her for a while for no reason whatsoever.
• Lucy's dead, so we're just gonna just Mina as bait. You're cool with that, right?
• Mina's bitten! How could that have happened with the foolproof plan of making her bait and not watching her at all?
• I don't think I could take Dracula seriously if he was coming at me with There's Something About Mary hair.
• Just looking at a cross makes Dracula turn to ash. That's new and lame.

Rating:

Don't Torture a Duckling (1972)

Why I Watched:

Appears on BFI's 100 European Horror Films List

Giallo
Italian
Released in the 1970s

What I Learned:

• Naked woman encouraging a little boy to come towards her. Yeah, I'm not going to like this movie at all.
• Ok, so the naked woman is evil. Things are starting to make sense.
• Sneaking out to have sex with older, naked woman = strangulation. Take note, prepubescent boys.
• Screaming "The killer is here, I know it." at a child's funeral is tacky and disrespectful.
• They figured satan fathered the child. Oh, natural assumption. Really? That's a normal thought process in Italy?
• A witch confesses, because voodoo dolls. I feel the charges aren't going to stick. 
• Vigilante justice. Against the wrong person. Isn't that always the way?
• What is with these women who fall to the ground in despair. Do people do this in real life?
• Naked pedophile woman to the rescue. Not sure how I feel about that.
• I have to kill the children. If I don't, they'll grow up to be dicks. -- That's one way of thinking

Rating:

Friday the 13th (1980)

Why I Watched:

Irwin Keyes

Betsy Palmer
Three installments in a series
Rated X on release
Rewatch

What I Learned:

• How nice it must have been to be trusting enough to take rides from strangers 
• Murders, check. Drowning, check. Fires and bad water, never mentioned in the series again.
• Kevin Bacon with his unruly early 80s hair.
• "Just stay until Friday" - and that's the kiss of death right there.
• Sure, take another ride from another stranger. Girl has a death wish. 
• Not sure what she thought she would accomplish jumping out of a moving vehicle.
• Nice speedo, Kevin Bacon.
• "There's a snake in here." "Then why are we in here?" My type of girl.
• Ohh, strip Monopoly. Sober, even.
• Kevin Bacon, having the gentlest teenage sex ever.
• Tiny bikini -> world's largest nightgown. 
• Instead of piling another chair in front of the door, maybe you'd like to spend this time searching for a plan. 
• They're preparing to open a summer camp in 2 weeks. Wearing bikinis. And no one questions the lady in the sweater.
• If you've killed the killer, why go out into the middle of the lake?

Rating:

Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)

Why I Watched:

Three installments in a series

Rewatch

What I Learned:

• So this starts with pretty much the entire last 15 minutes of the last movie.
• Damn, this really starts so slowly
• Not trying to scare you, but let me tell you about Jason
• D-bags were popping collars, even way back in 1981
• What's up with the men's shoes POV? Keep seeing shoes walking. Like, why? 
• Ohhh, a shantytown.
• Who skinny dips alone? While looking for their lost dog? You ain't gonna find Muffin that way.
• How does Jason know where everyone is at all times. It's like he's had them all chipped like puppies.
• Jason trying to kill you, no problem. Rat sniffs you, pee yourself.

Rating:

Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

Why I Watched:

Found Footage

What I Learned:

• Prolonged male full frontal nudity. You just don't see that often outside porn.
• Killing and eating people, I'm fine. Cutting up a turtle, I get all icked out.
• What the hell is wrong with these people? They deserve to be eaten.

Rating:

The Happiness of the Katakuris, Sleepwalkers, Reality Terror Night and From a Whisper to a Scream

October Horror Movie Challenge Day 3

The Happiness of the Katakuri (2001)

Why I Watched:

You'll Never Check Out theme night

Musical / Rock ‘n Roll Horror
Japanese

What I Learned:

• 2 minutes in and this is some weird shit.
• Dead body . . . and they're singing
• I'm scared. Let's dance. Oh, and sing some more while we bury this body. Because that's what people do.
• Dude professes love having never spoken to her. Like middle school. Then dancing. Unlike middle school.
• Best dancing zombies since Thriller

Rating:

Sleepwalkers (1992)

Why I Watched:

Based on a Novel

Cinema Inspired By: Stephen King

What I Learned:

• Ohh, one of those carpet broom roller things my grandmother had. You just don't see those things anymore
• My grandmother never danced with her carpet broom like that, though.
• Ok, this mother/son dynamic got super gross real quick
• Incest isn't sexy. Why are you trying to make it sexy?
•  If a guy tries to kill you, you do not feel bad for him when you hurt him. Stop it. Idiot.
• Cat and cop scene may be the saddest thing I've ever seen. 
• Holy hell, is that Ron Perlman??
• These cat people are phenomenal with convenient weaponry
• Some kick ass Enya music in this movie.

Rating:

Reality Terror Night (2013)

Why I Watched:

I thought it sounded awesome (spoiler: I was wrong)

What I Learned:

• Nipple close-up 2 minutes in, then blood splashing the screen as if they forgot to turn the 3d on. I'm worried
• "The real 411 was 2M2H." Ugh, things are going downhill fast.
• Babes & Ghosts - Sadly, I think this could actually have an audience in the real world
• Do men really get out of the car and shake their hair like women in conditioner commercials?
• A stripper pole makes it a party bus. Those are the rules.
• Apparently, you can only hunt for ghosts in bikinis.
• My mistake - clubwear, not bikinis. They're hunting ghosts in clubwear. 
• Oops, wrong again. Clubwear for publicity photos, bikinis for ghost hunting. Duh. 
• Blink and you missed it kills are boring. Where is the terror?
• Wow, that was awful

Rating:

From a Whisper to a Scream (1987)

Why I Watched:

Angelo Rossitto
 Jeff Burr

Anthology Film
Killer / Evil Child

What I Learned:

• Yawn. Another boring movie.
• "I gave you the power to eat glass and metal." Gee, thanks.
• Children speaking in unison is always creepy

Rating:

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