Fifty Shades Darker by E. L. James

Fifty Shades Darker by E. L. James

2011, The Writer's Coffee Shop Publishing House
Series: Book 2 of Fifty Shades

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Rating

Synopsis: Daunted by the singular sexual tastes and dark secrets of the beautiful, tormented young entrepreneur Christian Grey, Anastasia Steele has broken off their relationship to start a new career with a Seattle publishing house.

But desire for Christian still dominates her every waking thought, and when he proposes a new arrangement, Anastasia cannot resist. They rekindle their searing sensual affair, and Anastasia learns more about the harrowing past of her damaged, driven, and demanding Fifty Shades.

While Christian wrestles with his inner demons, Anastasia must confront her anger and envy of the women who came before her and make the most important decision of her life.

The Good: I would love to just bash this book completely and be done with it, but one cannot ignore the popularity of the series. For all their flaws, people love these books. That leads to opening up minds in regards to sexuality that just wouldn't be exposed to anything more than vanilla their entire lives. That can't be all bad.

The Bad: So annoyingly repetitive. This is not good writing, never mind good editing. If Ana referred to her "inner goddess" one more time, I was going to throw the book across the room. "Holy cow" is not a sexy term, yet Ana overuses it in all sorts of situations, even ones that should have been immediately shut down by the phrase. Christian's over use of "Fair point well made" makes one wonder how all these supposedly intelligent adults manage to get by on such limited vocabularies. Ana's repeated references to Christian's psychiatrist is over-the-top offensive. His mental health often reduced to either a joke or a way for Ana to point out his flaws.

My Favorite Witch by Lisa Plumley

 My Favorite Witch by Lisa Plumley

2009, Zebra

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Synopsis: Dayna Sterling's always been betwixt and between. Born in a desert town populated by witches and blissfully ignorant humans, Dayna had magic, but no clue how to handle it. So she left to forge a workaday life among ordinary Joes. Which is fine, really--until the day one most extraordinary Joe turns everything upside down...

The assignment is simple. Trace the runaway witch; bring her home for compulsory "cusping" training. So why does Dayna set T.J. McAllister's half-warlock blood buzzing? Maybe it's the bonding spell that spontaneously connects them. Or the fact that T.J.'s powers go wonky whenever he's around Dayna. In any case, the attraction is making it damn hard for T.J. to accomplish his most important mission: prevent a dangerous uprising by locating a powerful witch prophesied to help him. She could be anywhere. She could be closer than he thinks...

The Good: The idea of magic classes for witches coming into their power is always a win for me, especially twisting it so that the real power doesn't show up until the women are 30.

The Bad: Lust masquerading as love. T.J.'s blatant stalking of Dayna portrayed as his being drawn to her, rather than being a Peeping Tom with an entire catalog of issues. A completely predictable Mean Girls comeuppance story line, except they aren't teenagers anymore and that makes the entire attitude really kind of pitiful. No one is likable. No one is saying or doing anything that would make you care what happens to them. There was absolutely nothing romantic going on in this romance novel.

Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver

 Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver

2010, Harper

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Synopsis: For popular high school senior Samantha Kingston, February 12—"Cupid Day"—should be one big party, a day of valentines and roses and the privileges that come with being at the top of the social pyramid. And it is…until she dies in a terrible accident that night.

However, she still wakes up the next morning. In fact, Sam lives the last day of her life seven times, until she realizes that by making even the slightest changes, she may hold more power than she ever imagined.

The Good: Groundhog's Day meets Mean Girls is a premise to get excited about. You'll be disappointed, but at least you'll always remember how awesome the premise was.

The Bad: People love Lauren Oliver's books. I want to love her book. I try, but they're so ridiculous. I really enjoy young adult books, but I think these are the type that you just can't relate to unless you're a teen. Like Delirium, Before I Fall focuses on teen love. It's a common enough theme. Problem is, these books seem to revolve around the worst reactions to a common feeling. Sam is the epitome of self-centered. It's me, me, me. Even in death, the world must revolve around her and her feelings and her ideas of what should and shouldn't happen. Any bad things that happen must be someone else's fault. Oliver took the whole mean girl thing and made it a complete caricature, and then expected us to believe in Sam and want her to find a way to be redeemed. Except she gave us no reason to care about her and all the reasons in the world to wish she's gone straight to hell.

Totally Killer by Greg Olear

Totally Killer by Greg Olear

2009, William Morrow Paperbacks

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Rating

Synopsis: Taylor Schmidt—twenty-three, single, and jobless—arrives in the Big Apple desperate for work and hungry for love. Through the Quid Pro Quo Employment Agency she finds the perfect job and the perfect boyfriend . . . but perfection has its price.

The Good: Totally Killer is set in the 1990s, which leads to some fun references for those of us who experienced them firsthand. It's very premise, set around the employment agency, is a wonderful idea and could have been gold if handled differently.

The Bad: The characters aren't the least bit sympathetic, which is unfortunate in a novel where we should care that one of them is dead. Telling the story from Todd's point of view well in the future, looking back on the events, was risky and never worked for me. It makes no sense, his tone while telling the story doesn't betray the ending. While it keeps the suspense, it's not plausible he'd tell the story the way he did given his own experiences. Never mind the fact that one would expect a storyteller to make himself seem less like an complete loser. He speaks of all the creepy things he does in his lust for Taylor, all the ways he completely ruined his life just to get to know her better and more, all without a whiff of the shame one would expect years down the line. This was a great idea that just took every wrong turn it could find.

Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman

Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman

2005, HarperTorch

Series: Book 2 of American Gods

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Rating

Synopsis: Fat Charlie Nancy's normal life ended the moment his father dropped dead on a Florida karaoke stage. Charlie didn't know his dad was a god. And he never knew he had a brother.

Now brother Spider's on his doorstep -- about to make Fat Charlie's life more interesting... and a lot more dangerous.

The Good: Well written, in a technical sense. Managed to read it and understand the basic story line.

The Bad: I really liked American Gods, which lead me to believe I would enjoy this sequel. Except Anansi Boys isn't a sequel as much as a novel that exists in same universe as American Gods. It's a companion novel at best. Different characters. Different mythology. Just the basic theme of gods walk among us. Sometimes. And a focus on trickster gods. I knew nothing about the African trickster god Anansi going in. I'm not sure if that helped or hindered me, because I couldn't care about these characters at all. The book dragged and dragged and was finally, mercifully over. I'm beginning to believe that no matter how much I enjoyed American Gods and Good Omens, Neil Gaiman isn't the author for me.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Vol. 1 by Alan Moore

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Volume 1 by Alan Moore

2000, America's Best Comics

Series: Book 1 of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

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Rating

Synopsis: London, 1898. The Victorian Era draws to a close and the twentieth century approaches. It is a time of great change and an age of stagnation, a period of chaste order and ignoble chaos. It is an era in need of champions.

In this amazingly imaginative tale, literary figures from throughout time and various bodies of work are brought together to face any and all threats to Britain. Allan Quatermain, Mina Murray, Captain Nemo, Dr. Henry Jekyll and Edward Hyde and Hawley Griffin ( the Invisible Man) form a remarkable legion of intellectual aptitude and physical prowess: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

The Good: The premise is amazing. Tailor made for a movie. Which was then made, totally eclipsing the book.

The Bad: I loved the movie. I know, people aren't supposed to admit that, but I say it loud and often. So what if it made Sean Connery quit acting, it entertained me. Having said that, this graphic novels was not good. The artwork was unappealing. That's the best way to describe it. You know what's going on - it's not unclear or anything - but it's not pleasant to look at. It made me want to put the book down. I found it disagreeable to my eyes. The characters are awful people, and not in the fun movie way. Mina whines incessantly (strange as she is in charge now, apparently that's how Moore believes women lead). Quartermain is a drug addict who seems to be getting a his hate lust up way too much for the significantly younger Mina. The invisible man is a serial rapist, and we're supposed to find this acceptable behavior just because. No Tom Sawyer. No Dorian Gray. No fun, at all.

Mrs. Miracle by Debbie Macomber

Mrs. Miracle by Debbie Macomber

2009, Avon

Series: Book 4 of Angelic Intervention

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Rating

Synopsis: Seth Webster's heart never healed after he lost his adored wife. Now, with Christmas approaching, wild twin boys to raise alone, a home in chaos, and the latest in a long line of exasperated housekeepers quitting in disgust, Seth needs more than help to keep his family togethe...he needs a miracle.

And then a miracle arrives on his doorstep. Her name is Mrs. Merkle, but the kids call her "Mrs. Miracle"—and from the moment the warm, knowing, and very patient nanny appears, everything is different. Her sassy spirit is infectious, and it gives Seth the courage to approach Reba, a beautiful travel agent who's been hurt and betrayed, and is afraid to ever love again. Through the magic of faith—and with a little help from a children's Christmas pageant and a lot of encouragement from Mrs. Miracle—Seth and Reba might just be able to find a Christmas miracle of their very own: true love.

The Good: The very basic premise of the book is good. A widower with young children struggling. A magical nanny appearing out of nowhere to aid him at Christmas time, and maybe find him a little love as well. That's the bare bones of the book and that is all that was included in the delightful Hallmark movie.

The Bad: This is a case of the movie being better than the book. The movie dropped all of the unnecessary and sort of weird angles the book tended to dwell on. The book was very specific about Seth not being able to take care of his kids for 4 years, and how his in-laws raised them at that time. These grandparents love having the kids, yet just decide they're done and send the kids back to understandable unprepared father - with no help and no experience to guide him. The grandparents marriage goes to hell, grandma embracing women's lib and grandpa being aghast that his wife refuses to wait on him hand and foot anymore. Aghast. And for some reason, the reader is supposed to hope they get back together. Yeah, that wasn't happening. Good for grandma.  Seth and Reba were closed off, scared of commitment, annoying people who would have never managed to make it work in real life. Overall, the characters were obnoxious and it was hard to want happiness for any of them.

Final Exam, Blood Night, Burning Bright and Vamps

October Horror Movie Challenge Day 25

Final Exam (1981)

Why I Watched:

Once shown in a drive in double feature theme night

What I Learned:

• Sniper jokes in a college class. Yeah, the 80s was a very different time.
• Hardcore hazing. Classic 80s. When bullying was something that brought people together.

Rating:

Blood Night (2009)

What I Learned:

• Danielle Harris is ageless. Mid-30s and still playing a high schooler. Convincingly.
• In my experience, group porn watching/mockery does not usually lead to a dance party.

Rating:

Burning Bright (2010)

What I Learned:

• Mother kills herself and daughter is left to attempt college while raising autistic little brother. This is depressing.
• This girl is a saint for attempting to make this work
• Stepfather steals the kids money to buy a tiger. And believes his argument is valid.
• Twist ending was not twisty. Always assumed that was the case.

Rating:

Vamps (2012)

What I Learned:

• Just about every single person in this movie is recognizable. Weird, as it came out 3 years ago and I never heard about it.
• Alicia Silverstone, Krysten Ritter, Sigourney Weaver, Wallace Shawn, Richard Lewis, Kristen Johnston, Malcolm McDowell. So many

Rating:

Don't Go to the Reunion, The Final Girls, Deathgasm and Apartment 143

October Horror Movie Challenge Day 20

Don't Go to the Reunion (2013)

Why I Watched:

School's Out . . . Forever Theme Night

What I Learned:

• At 28, I had no desire to sit in a playground in the middle of the night, alone. That's just weird.
• Not loving the movie, but I can't deny that it is well done considering the $18,000 budget.
• Yeah, slamming a car hood on a dude's neck isn't going to decapitate him.
• The endgame is a blatant Scream meta ripoff. Throw the word homage around all you want, but it's not that.
• The whole yelling/crazy/loud explanation of how horror movies played a part in the murders is exactly Scream

 

Rating:

The Final Girls (2015)

What I Learned:

• This kid is stupid adorable. Awkwardly caring.
• Adam DeVine does skeevy guy so well 
• Damn movie keeps making me cry. Horror movies aren't supposed to make me cry.

Rating:

Deathgasm (2015)

What I Learned:

• "Do demons recognize daylight savings?" Asking the important questions.

Rating:

Apartment 143 (2011)

What I Learned:

• Decent cast. Some interesting aspects. Held my attention. Overall, kind of blah, though.

Rating:

Life After Beth, Trophy Heads, Night of the Living Dead 3D and Virus

October Horror Movie Challenge Day 17

Life After Beth (2014)

Why I Watched:

Crazy Love Theme Night

What I Learned:

• Wow. Paul Reiser. There's someone you don't see often anymore. 
• This cast is so surprising. Paul Reiser. Cheryl Hines. Molly Shannon. John C. Reilly. Anna freaking Kendrick.
• Man, his bulge game is strong.
• Having sex with your back-from-the-dead girlfriend - never a good idea.
• Smooth jazz soothes the zombie soul. 
• Talking zombies (that aren't just screaming for braaaaiins) are weird and confusing. Like, how do you deal with that?
• Fleeing a zombie invasion? Can't forget your CDs. In 20freaking14.

Rating:

Trophy Heads (2014)

What I Learned:

• Starts with an alien mask wearing killer and is mom videoing a scythe beheading. Then random boobs. 
• Really decent low budget references here: Creepozoids, Head of the Family
• I had the lowest of expectations going into this movie, but it is actually sort of awesome.

Rating:

Night of the Living Dead 3D (2006)

What I Learned:

• Mapquest's infamous wrong directions. Yeah, they did me dirty once upon a time. 
• No "They're coming to get you Barbara"? Really? Same cemetery scene, with Barbara, and nothing.
• And now their watching the original movie. I don't t know what to make of this.
• Ugh. Stoner isn't funny stoner, he's too stupid to live stoner.
• Idiot shoots through closed window at zombie. Now the window is broken and they're all getting in. 
• Good lord, this movie is such a disappointment.
• "Ever read those Left Behind books?" Woman thinks zombies = Rapture. I'm thinking she didn't read the books.
• I want to stab the stupid out of these people.
• Intestines that look exactly like big fat summer sausage. It's like they aren't even trying.
• No training, perfect head shot.

Rating:

Virus (1999)

What I Learned:

• Middle aged Donald Sutherland is very convincing as a sea captain. He's got the expected look. Like the hat fits well. 
• Alien. On the ocean. With robots. And I want to say something about The Terminator. And Transformers. It's all the things.
• It's a horror movie featuring evil Erector sets.
• Right. Evil robot aliens aren't enough. We also need to be in a hurricane in the middle of the ocean.

 

Rating:

The Babadook, Camp Massacre, The Killing Floor and Chained

October Horror Movie Challenge Day 14

The Babadook (2014)

Why I Watched:

Attics and Basements Theme night

What I Learned:

• I would lose my mind if I was this kid's mom.
• I get that the kid is a handful, but the mom isn't even trying. Fireworks, weapons, like he's 6, take that shit away.
• I hate the mom. I hate the kid. I wish this Babadook would just kill them and be done with it.
• This mother is the worst. One person is actually nice to her awful kid and she's a bitch to her.
• If you're becoming mentally unhinged and you know it, perhaps driving with your kid in the car isn't the best idea.

Rating:

Camp Massacre (2014)

What I Learned:

• Groupon reference. Because, modern. 
• I'm a fan of nudity in movies, but have a reason. Random solo shower scene is completely unnecessary.
• Nevermind. Solo shower girl has been killed. Nudity warranted. Carry on.
• Homage to Psycho shower kill. Tried to up ante with gore. Results in ridiculousness.
• Fantasy of a naked woman "seductively" dragging a granola bar along her body. Not sure I can handle this movie.
• Dr. Buffcock. I can't with this movie.
• Girl brings her own defibrillator and turkey leg to a one night stand. Like, what?

Rating:

The Killing Floor (2007)

What I Learned:

• Guy moves into new apartment, has housewarming party, meets nice lady. Still waiting for weird/suspenseful/anything.
• This isn't horror. It's mystery/suspense/thriller. Decently twisty, but was expecting scary. Thanks for nothing, IMDB

Rating:

Chained (2012)

What I Learned:

• You have to be pretty confident to allow your captive to stitch up your face.
• Gotta hate when your captive starts growing a pair a good 8 years into captivity. Damn ingrates.

Rating:

Slumber Party Massacre III, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan and Husk

October Horror Movie Challenge Day 13

Slumber Party Massacre III (1990)

Why I Watched:

25 Year (1990) Anniversary

What I Learned:

• You know it's a 90s movie or later when most men's bathing suits are near knee length. No more short shorts.
• I don't remember slumber parties involving lingerie and stripping for your girlfriends.
• Death by vibrator. This is why our sex toys are battery operated.

Rating:

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

Why I Watched:

Rewatch

What I Learned:

• Montage of random street youths using drugs. No recap at all. Weird.
• Ahh, there it is, naked teen in bed with girlfriend will give the recap.
• Because, by the 8th movie, the viewers still don't know about Jason. 
• Stephen King used a dip pen in high school? That sounds unlikely.
• Why is Jason all wet and squishing while he walks? He's been on that boat a while.
• The harbinger finally arrives, halfway through the movie.
• Jason confused by the hockey mask billboard. Priceless.
• No one has deserved a Jason provided death more than the principal in this movie.

Rating:

Husk (2011)

What I Learned:

• These people need to stop going in the corn. Doesn't everyone have a healthy fear of cornfields by now?
• "There's someone in the corn" And he says it all surprised like.
• This is weird. And creepy. And different. But, still, who would go into the damned corn to begin with?
• Oh, good, the final showdown. No, wait, 25 minutes left. Ugh. This isn't working for me anymore.
• I forgot these other guys were still alive.
• Ugh. We already saw that flashback. No replaying of flashbacks. 

Rating: